To: Elon Musk
I read your message to federal workers, directing them to send you a list of the five things they accomplished during the week. I’m retired, so it wasn’t clear whether the memo applies to me. Nevertheless, Michelle Singletary of the Washington Post sent you her list of accomplishments. Therefore, out of an abundance of caution, I’m sending you my report.
Day one, task one.
HHS Secretary Robert Kennedy Jr. is trying to Make America Healthy Again (MAHA), so I decided to do my part by going on the Keto diet.
I couldn’t find any Keto-certified food at the gas station in Woodville, where I usually buy groceries. Thus, I drove to the nearest Sprouts store in Louisiana and purchased every food item marked Keto-friendly. I drove back to Mississippi and ate nothing but plain yogurt mixed with walnuts and Keto-approved bagels for the rest of the day. Spoiler alert: Keto-approved bagels taste terrible.
Day Two, task two.
I stuck by my diet and weighed myself. I was delighted to see that I’d lost two pounds!
Day Three, task three.
I resolved to eat only fish for the rest of the week. I drove my Kubota ATV to the local bait shop and bought two dozen minnows, hoping to catch a few fat bass.
I fished all day on Lake Mary and only caught three alligator garfish, which I grilled. Second spoiler alert: Alligator garfish taste terrible.
Day Four, task four.
As part of my MAHA quest, I swore off alcohol. Nevertheless, I figured that non-alcoholic beer wouldn’t hurt me, so I drove to Natchez and bought two cases of Heineken Zero. Spoiler alert: Heinekin Zero tastes pretty good.
Day Five, task five.
After eating plain yogurt for breakfast and peanut butter stuffed celery sticks for lunch, I was shocked to learn that MSNBC canceled The Reidout, Joy Reid’s television program.
Plunged into despair, I decided to veer off my diet and drink some Old Fashioneds. I couldn’t find Keto-certified whisky, so I made them with Makers Mark.
I spent the rest of the day despondently drinking Old Fashioneds, grief-stricken about the cancellation of The Reidout. I tried to compensate by watching multiple episodes of Duck Dynasty, but it just wasn’t the same.
At the end of the day, I weighed myself and found I’d gained five pounds.
Do you want me to report again next week? If so, I’ll drive back to Natchez and stock up on celery and alcohol-free beer.
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| Goodbye, Joy! |
